


If You Love Me (Don't Let Go)

by SereneCalamity



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 21:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12491692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SereneCalamity/pseuds/SereneCalamity
Summary: They were broken, but maybe not past repair.





	If You Love Me (Don't Let Go)

**Author's Note:**

> So this song was inspired by 'Unsteady' by X-Ambassadors.   
> There is a slight trigger warning, have a look at the end.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.

It had been six days.

Six long days.

Jace Herondale couldn't even begin to count the amount of times he had picked up his phone to call or text her, but he had never got through with it.

She didn't want to talk to him.

She hated him.

She had never actually said those words, but it was in her eyes, it was in the way she flinched when he touched her, it was in the way that she was utterly quiet whenever they were on the phone or on Skype.

So he had probably done the worst possible thing and had just stopped texting or calling her.

He and Clarissa Fray had been together for over five years.

Five years.

And now that was all gone.

He had thrown up more than once—on his way driving away from New York he actually had to pull his car over to the side of the road to empty out his stomach because even then, he had known that it was over. He hadn't been able to cry, but he also hadn't been able to sleep. He had tipped the photo of himself and Clary that was on his bedside table because he couldn't look at her face right now, knowing that they were done.

They had tried to keep it together, even though both of them were broken but neither of them willing to reach out and comfort each other. It had been four months since the accident, and they had barely spoken since then. He should be _used_ to the silence between them, but there was something a lot more final since their last discussion, which had resulted in her leaving on a mission with Lydia Branwell and saying that she didn't want to see him for a while.

That sounded like a break up if he ever hear one.

Paired together with the sympathetic look that Lydia gave him, and the way that all his things were boxed up when he went back to their shared room in the Institute. They had never officially moved in together, give how both of them were constantly on the move, their lives ever-changing, but they shared a room together at the Institute. It definitely felt as though she was kicking him out.

Alexander Lightwood gave him a look when he came into their shared apartment and notice the empty beer bottles that were cluttered together on the glass coffee table and the boxes of take out on the kitchen bench. Jace knew that the apartment was a mess, and usually it was him that kept it in order, but that had been the last thing on his mind in the past couple of days. Magnus Bane had come in behind Alec and had raised an eyebrow as he looked around, before snapping his fingers and suddenly the apartment was spotless.

There were bonuses to having a warlock around as often as he was.

Alec asked him if he wanted to talk about it, which Jace answered by cracking the lid off a new bottle of beer and staring miserably at the TV. Magnus pursed his lips together and looked over at his boyfriend before the two decided to leave Jace where he was and head to the bedroom.

There wasn't much that they could do, because the spiral that Jace was disappearing down wasn't one that they could help too much with. They stopped him from going out drunk and they made sure they were covering his ass on mission, but he didn't want to talk about it, and even if he _did_ , it would be Clary that it would be best to talk about it with.

Except Clary didn't seem to be talking about it either.

Magnus had tried to comfort the redhead, as well as Isabelle Lightwood, and Jocelyn Fray had been keeping a close eye on her daughter, but Clary refused to speak about it. It had only been four months, which really wasn't any time at all in the grand scheme of things, but it had seemed like an eternity when their two friends were hurting as badly as they were, and hurting each other.

It was two weeks before the pair saw each other again.

Jace wasn't sure if he should be happy or broken when he saw Clary across the briefing room and she looked as terrible as him. He could see on her face that she was in as much pain as he was, and all he wanted to do was go over and comfort her, but as soon as she saw that he was in the room, she ducked her head and stared at the iPad in her hands, following along with the briefing from Robert Lightwood.

She disappeared shortly after.

"She just needs time," Isabelle said quietly, appearing at Jace's side, resting her hand on his arm.

"Is she talking to you?" Jace asked, his voice strangled as he cleared his throat aand looked toward the side exit where Clary had left.

"She doesn't want to talk to anyone yet," Isabelle murmured. "But she'll come around. She's just grieving. She blames herself, and she doesn't know how to process it all." Jace swallowed hard and lifted his hand to his hair, not noticing how greasy it was, given how long it had been since he had had a proper shower where he had washed his hair, rather than just standing under the spray for a couple of minutes and then stepping out.

"It's not her fault..." Jace began.

"And it's not yours either," Isabelle reached up and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Now lets go, we need to kick some vampire ass."

It was just under two months when Clary appeared at the Alec and Magnus' apartment. The two were off on a date—Jace had heard Magnus making mention of taking them through a portal to Tokyo—and Jace had planned on an evening alone with a bottle of scotch and _Gotham_ when there was a knock on the door. Jace wondered if it was Isabelle or maybe even Simon Lewis, given it seemed as though all of his friends were taking turns rotating through looking after him, and he guessed the same for Clary as well. Jace didn't bother turning down the TV or even screwing on the scotch as he walked toward the door, pursing his lips together as he unlocked the front door and then opening his mouth to tell whoever it was on the other side of the door that he was fine and he didn't need a babysitter, but then cut himself off short when he saw it was Clary on the other side of the door.

"Hi," Clary began, swallowing hard as she pushed her hands into the front pockets of the jeans that she was wearing. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah...Yeah," Jace nodded rapidly and stepped aside to let her into the apartment. Clary walked in hesitantly, and Jace noted that she was walking taller than she had been when he had seen her last time. She was still pale, as she turned to look at him, and her hair was still hanging limply in a ponytail, but she didn't look as defeated as she had before. He was proud of her, of the fact that she had pulled herself together.

Clary was a lot stronger than anyone really gave her credit for, but it looked as though she was doing better than he was.

"I'm sorry—"

"I just wanted—"

They both broke off at the same time and let out awkward laughs. Clary took in a deep breath and pushed back a few strands of hair that had fallen in front of her face while Jace shifted from foot to foot and wished that he hadn't left two empty, greasy pizza boxes on the coffee table right next to them, and had twisted the lid of the scotch back on. It didn't exactly paint an attractive picture of what he had been doing in the lounge.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away," Clary began, pulling her hands out of the pockets of her jeans and clasping them together in front of her. "It wasn't the right thing to do, I know that, but I needed some space." She stopped talking, biting down on her lower lip and wringing her hands together.

"I don't blame you for how you handled it..." Jace took a hesitant step toward her. He wanted to reach out and wrap his arms around her, but he stopped himself. "And... _I don't blame you for what happened_." His words visibly shook Clary and tears flooded to her eyes. A split second later, it looked as though she was crumbling, and Jace took his que from that, stepping forward and gathering her into his arms. Clary's sobs filled the room and Jace could feel his own eyes stinging with tears, and they dripped silently down his face.

They were young.

They were only twenty-four.

Kids hadn't been something that either of them had planned on for a _long_ time.

Jace wasn't even sure he wanted to be a father, and Clary was satisfied with babysitting her nephew, Jonathon Fray's son.

They hadn't known that Clary was pregnant until they had gotten back from a mission, where Clary had been attacked by a wendigo and had had two ribs broken. It wasn't anything that wouldn't be fixed with a few weeks of rest and a rune to help her deal with the pain, but when she had gone to the healing unit, they had gone quiet and pale faced, before asking if she had known that she was pregnant.

Clary had almost passed out in surprise, and then her whole body had spasmed and she had thrown up when they told her that she had lost the baby. There had been a hell of a lot of blood, but both she and Jace had been hurt, and it wasn't surprising for there to be blood.

Unfortunately, a lot of the blood had come from internal injuries.

Clary and Jace had been shell-shocked for a few days following the days, and it hadn't taken long for the news to get through the Institute. For an organization built on secrets, it was surprising how bad people were at them. Most people had the sense not to say anything, but the sympathetic looks started getting to both of them.

Then Clary had withdrawn.

Jace had given her space at first, he didn't want to push her into talking. Plus, he was dealing with his grief in his own way, which meant picking up as many missions as he could to keep himself busy, and then sparring with whoever was in the gyms until his body ached so much he felt like he was going to collapse.

They had drifted apart, neither of them wanting to push each other.

Jace heard Clary crying one night in the bathroom of their shared room at the Institute. He had opened the door and seen her sitting in the shower, and her broken sobs that filled the room were making his heart ache. He had tried to open the glass door to reach for her, put she had looked up suddenly and reached out to press against the opposite side of the door so that he couldn't pull it open. He had tried to talk to her, tell her that he loved her, and they were going to get through it, but Clary had just snapped at him, her words were muffled. She said that she didn't want him to comfort her, she didn't deserve it. She had been almost three months pregnant, and she had known something that was off with her body, but she hadn't wanted to come off the mission and so she hadn't listened to her gut.

And it had cost them the life of their unborn child.

She had kept repeating that it was _her_ fault, that _she_ was to blame, and it didn't matter what Jace said, because in the end, she had just raised her voice, yelling at him that she wanted to be alone.

After that, they just couldn't get back in their rythym.

And then there was the incident, two months ago. Clary said she needed more space. She said she wanted them to take a break. And to anyone who was in a relationship, they knew that spelt the end.

"I'm so sorry," Clary's voice was choked into his shoulder.

"I love you," Jace whispered against her hair. "I love you, I love you, I love you." She was still crying, but she had curled her fingers into his clothes, was holding him tightly, and it felt as though she was giving herself over to him. "I'm never letting you go again."

**Author's Note:**

> The trigger warning is that Clary has had a miscarriage.


End file.
